Fear of heart is my failure



 

I am scared. I was scared. And I don't have an answer for it.

Why am I scared? What causes my heart to race?
Maybe one day… it will just stop beating.

The heart beats for everyone — fast, slow, or normal.
But for me, it always beats fast. Do you know why?
It beats for every single moment… without courage.

I was born to strong, self-dependent parents.
But unfortunately — or maybe it's their misfortune — I became a useless person.

I’ve never given them happiness. From the day I was born till now, I’ve only brought them tears.
I wasn’t good in academics. There was endless fear about marks… and silent expectations.

I used to be happy when I talked to myself —
When I shared my feelings with Krishna,
When I spoke to Krishna at the temple.

But as I grew up, the things that once gave me happiness slowly faded.
I became scared of the people around me.
I thought: What if someone sees me talking to myself behind the temple? They’ll think I’m mad. They might even tell my parents.

So I stopped.

But my heart — no yaar, not my mind — my heart found a solution.
I started talking to myself when I was alone in my room.

I never really had a close friend I could share everything with.

"Amma" — she became my best friend.
Or so I taught my mind. I fooled myself.

How can a mother become your best friend?
I never truly shared everything with her.
Sure, I told her about my day — who I spoke to, what I said, what they said — all the bla bla stuff.

But did I ever share my real feelings with her? No.
Did I ever tell her about my crush? No.

I told her about everyone, everything… maybe she understood. But I never really opened up.

I didn’t know anything. My fear — from the inside — made me a girl who lacked understanding.

I fooled my mind. I escaped from everything.
I fooled my brain.

And you know what?
My cunning brain taught me this:
“No, no, don’t look at that. Suppress your feelings. Don’t disclose anything.”

And today… I’m seeking help from a consultant to deal with those suppressed feelings.

I’m getting angry. I’m getting irritated.
Day by day, I feel like I’m becoming someone else in my own home.

My parents are worried… worried that the peaceful family environment is slipping away.

I fooled myself.
I lied to myself.
I suppressed everything.

And now, I’m struggling…
Struggling to communicate openly.

                                                                                                                               Paru
                                                                                                                            7:48 pm 30/12/2017