Fear of heart is my failure



 

I am scared, I was scared. I don't have answer for that - 

Why I am scared? What is the cause of my fast beating heart? May be one day it will stop beating.

Heart Beats for everyone. It beats fast, slow, normal. for me it beats always fast. Why you know? yes it beats for every moment , without courage.  
I am born to self dependent , strong parents. Unfortunately, may be their unfortunate I became a useless fellow. 

Never ever given happiness to them. From my born to till date I am giving only tears to them. I was not much good in academic. Endless scare about the marks and silent expectation. 

I was happy when I used to talk to myself. When I used to share my feelings to "Krishna". When I used to talk to "Krishna" at temple. 

Growing up , my activities which gives me happy stopped. My scare about the people around me. Thought that if I talk alone in the back side of temple, if someone sees, they might think "I am mad". They will inform my parents too. 

I stopped. My mind , No yaar ! My heart found a solutions for that. I started talking alone, when I am alone in my room. Never ever had a good friend to whom I can share everything.  

"Amma" - My best friend.  I taught my  mind- "My Amma is my best friend". I fooled myself.   How come  "Mom" can become my best friend.  

I never shared everything with my mom.  I told everything , what happened on a day, To whom I talked, What I talked, What they talked, etc etc... All Bla Bla things. But did I shared with her "What my feelings?"  . No !!!!!  Did I shared with her " my crush" . No !!!  I told about everyone . Might be she understood. But  I never. 
I didn't know anything. My inside fear, my fear, - made me a girl with lack of knowledge. 

I fooled my mind , I escaped from everything . I fooled my brain.  Hey you know !! My cunning brain taught me that---- " No !! No!! don't look at that. suppress you feelings. Don't disclose.  

      Today I am seeking help from a consultant to regularize my suppressed feelings. I am getting angry, I am getting irritation, ........ Hmmm I don't know day by day I am becoming someone else in my home. My parents are worried about the losing the peaceful family environment. 

I fooled myself. I lied to myself . I suppressed. Today I am suffering to communicate openly. 
                                                                                                                        
                                                                                                                               Paru
                                                                                                                            7:48 pm 30/12/2017